West Ham Season Preview 2013-14

The English Premier League is less than a week away.  In the first of a series, the fans assess their team’s chances for the season.  Today it’s Peter Darlington’s West Ham

West Ham returned to the Premier League in 2012 and had a classic 1st season bounce getting them as high as 6th and never dropping into the bottom half, finally finishing in 10th place.  This was in no small part due to the goals of captain, and chicken dancing fool, Kevin Nolan and handy overpriced striker Andy Carroll. Carroll is an ideal player for a manager like Sam Allardyce, a big target man who chases back and also manages to be just as good with his feet as with his head.  Another ideal Allardyce player, New Zealand’s Winston Reid anchored the back with James Collins and generally made for a much stronger West Ham side than the absolute shower who exited the league in 2011 under Avram “Smiley Face” Grant.

So what to make of the coming season? Carroll has been our major summer purchase with the owners shelling out previously unseen levels of their pornographic pound notes to keep the Geordie. Aside from that, there’s been…, um…, not too much.  Left Back Razvan Rat has arrived from Shaktar Donetsk and that’s about it.

Aside from Carroll, the preseason excitement has been coming from the previously irredeemable Manc midfield yardboy, Ravel Morrison who’s scored 4 goals in the last week including an away win at Sporting in Portugal, surely the Hammers best European victory in some time.  My excitement around Morrison is slightly tempered by the fact he’s now referring to himself as Ra’vel but maybe that’s just me.  There’s plenty more in the midfield as well with happy bald cockney, Joe Cole, local boy Mark Noble and some of the youth like Elliot (son of Rob) Lee.

How are we going to go? Ho ho ho, better men than me have foundered trying to make predictions on this most English of pie and mash football teams.  I predict Carroll will spend far too much time injured, there will be a Christmas party embarrassment, Ra’vel will secure a recording contract, and if we’re lucky, maybe we’ll back up last season with a 14th place. Luv a duck, guvnor.

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