Diary of an Olympian (Watcher) Preview – Part 3 of 5

By Keith Miller

Football

It brings in the TV dollars, sure, and being Rio you’d think this will be one of the most popular events.  But the credibility sinks when the criteria is so dubious.  It’s open slather for the women, but the men are restricted to what amounts to an age group tournament.  You can’t be over 23.  Unless there’s three of you that are actually over 23.  In which case, that’s fine. So it embraces the Olympic ethos of being there solely as a revenue earner.

Due to the nature of the sport itself, the game times vary from late night to breakfast time in New Zealand – some others kick off at 10:00pm in Rio (1.00pm here).  The medal matches are perfect viewing times here.  Think brunch.

Gold Medals on offer:  2

NZ Participation:  Yes

Golf

Golf would well be the first sport to successfully shoot itself in the foot on its reintroduction.  Whilst the ladies (who you would think may have bigger concerns over the Zika Virus) seem to be taking it seriously, a lot of the men are playing the instant-death card.  Pathetic.  At least Adam Scott had the gonads to come out early on and withdraw for a believable reason – that being that the sport really shouldn’t be there (I’m paraphrasing, but you get my drift).  By some reports the course is a disaster too.  They should have waited for Tokyo – at least they’d care in Japan.

All rounds tee off at 11:00pm New Zealand time (the final round at 10:30pm), and it’ll be over by breakfast.  Not exactly prime time viewing.

Gold Medals on offer:  2

NZ Participation:  Yes

Gymnastics – Artistic & Rhythmic

Another glamour event, with precision, timing and strength on display.  It’s one of those sports that you look at and wonder how the bloody hell anyone can do it.  At times it’s eye-watering stuff.  Not only that, it’s always fun to pretend you know what you’re talking about when you simply can’t believe the French athlete only got 9.2 on the vault when you know damn well it had 9.4 written all over it.  The vault, the rings, the uneven bars – great viewing.  Rhythmic Gymnastics?  Yeah, nah.  Not so much.  And if you thought I was going to dedicate an entire paragraph to it, you’re sadly mistaken.

The early rounds are spread nicely throughout the day, so there’ll be something on offer for anyone who wants to catch a look.  The medals are perfect for the NZ viewer – anywhere from 7:00am through to 10:00am

Gold Medals on offer:  16

NZ Participation:  Yes

Gymnastics – Trampoline

I’ll admit that I’m in two minds about trampolining (is that a real word?) at the Olympics.  Not exactly a traditional event, but by the same token, it’s hard to be overly critical when you watch the athletes hit the giddy, and to be brutally honest, sphincter puckering height of 8 metres.  One slip, and things could get incredibly messy, incredibly quickly – for both the trampolinist (is that another real word?) and their sphincter.

There’s only two sessions of competition, on Days 7 & 8, so blink and you’ll miss it.  Both sessions bounce off at 5:00am NZT, and finish up around 7:15am.

Gold Medals on offer:  2

NZ Participation:  Yes

Handball

I’m on record as being a Handball enthusiast.  Sure, I don’t stream the European league live, and I wouldn’t have a clue how Qatar will do in Group 1 in Rio (although I could hazard a guess, that guess being “crap”).  But I like to watch the sport every four years, and that is one of the beauties of the Olympics – it provides an opportunity to view events that you wouldn’t normally get to see.  Fast paced, skilful and, much like a few ex-relationships, full of deception.

On the whole, this is a sport that suits the NZ viewer.  The first two games each day are a bit rough, but the later games kick off (hand off?) through mid-morning. Unfortunately the medal matches revert to an earlier kick off time – 5:30am and 6:00am.

Gold Medals on offer:  2

NZ Participation:  No

 

Hockey

There’s been a few revelations for the viewer in recent times with hockey.  Some have worked (blue turfs, shootouts), and some haven’t (going to quarters instead of halves).  Despite that, hockey has developed such a strong Olympic tradition that it is the only team sport to have had a medal winner from every continent.  Well, not including Antarctica, but they’re probably better at ice hockey to be fair.   It should be another great event for a sport that has been there since 1908.

Viewing wise over here, it’s another good news/bad news scenario.  During pool play, the early games kick off at 1:00am and 3:00am, but evening games are at a much tastier 9:00am and 8:00am.  Even better, the medal games both kick off at 8:00am.

Gold Medals on offer:  2

NZ Participation:  Yes

Judo

I’m not a fan.  Put bluntly I find it boring, but in saying that my main beef with Judo isn’t so much with the sport itself.  It’s the proliferation of know-all tossers who under normal circumstances couldn’t tell an Ippon from a Teppanyaki, but every four years turn into Judo Jedis.  That’s fine, we all like to think we’re experts, but it just unfortunate that Judo for whatever reason seems to have the highest know-all tosser ratio outside of the Americas Cup.

If you’re a fan, don’t get too excited just yet – the NZ viewing times are from 1:00am to 4:00am for the qualifying rounds.  But it gets better if you want to watch the medal bouts, as you can view it over breakfast.  Let me know who wins.  Actually, don’t worry – thanks anyway Jedi.

Gold Medals on offer:  14

NZ Participation:  Yes

Marathon Swimming

A 10km swim is very impressive indeed, unless you have to watch it.  It’s quite cool to see an athlete chase another down by grinding away for lap after lap, but it’s not exactly gripping television.  Still, it’s hard to go past the athletic ability involved, particularly when the swimmers are too scared to open their mouths in case they swallow a body part belonging to someone dumped on the course three years ago.

Both races start at 11:00pm NZT (on Days 10 & 11) – the men will take around 1 hour and 50 minutes, and women about 10 minutes longer.  Slowcoaches.

Gold Medals on offer:  2

NZ Participation:  Yes