National Stadium No More
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By Scott MacLean
Eden Park will no longer carry the tagline of “New Zealand’s National Stadium” a tearful stadium CEO Nick Stadium-Fortress-Winner announced at an emotional media standup this morning.
Expected to be on a high after news that Auckland ratepayers will again be dumping millions into the soulless, ill-sighted, eyesore that he manages, the usually ebullient NSFW – as he prefers to be known – cut a forlorn figure, saying “We can’t keep living the lie. We were meant to pack the place out last Monday for the All Whites, but if we couldn’t do half that when they’re qualifying for the World Cup then what are we?”
“We have rugby, but we only fill this place out for the All Blacks and that’s twice a year at best. The Blues don’t come close even when they’re winning, and we couldn’t get a crowd for the NPC even if I gave random punters corporate boxes for free.”
“There’s cricket, but why can’t I get the good ones with Australia, India, or England? I get that people around the country like sitting on lovely grass banks, but why can’t they suck it up here and sit in an awful plastic chair in a concrete canyon just once? They never think about my corporates or my bottom line!”. He followed with “It makes sense to put domestic out the back, but then TV make me look stupid by showing the Mobil forecourt across the road all the time!”
“Then there’s the concerts. But there’s that woman in Mt Albert who says I can only have six each year for some silly reason.” he sobbed.
When pressed by the ever-reliable TV reporter Andrew Sausage-Roll, NSFW continued “We’re not even the most popular stadium in Auckland. I mean, Mt Smart has both the Warriors and the football team and they pack that place out even though it’s in the middle of bloody industrial Penrose!”. It’s unsure however how that will be covered on the news tonight though, as Sausage-Rolls’ gaze had swiftly returned to the collection of baked and fried goods in the corner of the room.
Despite his despondency, NSFW still felt confident enough to proclaim that “at least we’re not that half-finished thing out in Albany.”
Caroline Sweet-Diamond, CEO of the new Christchurch stadium was quick to lay claim to the title “because we’re the newest” but conceded they hadn’t even opened yet, while Forsyth Barr’s Paul Doomsday said they we too far from Auckland to even bother with it, but also took the opportunity to remind us that his venue “has a roof, if you’ve forgotten”. Sky Stadium boss Warrick Windscreen-Crack was unavailable for comment and while we reached out to his predecessor Harmon McShane, the latter replied with only a photo of an opened bottle of Martinborough Pinot Noir superimposed with the ‘laughing with tears’ emoji.
Stadium-Fortress-Winner concluded by confirming the signage would be “gone within a month”, before being heard to mutter something about “we’d better not lose to the Springboks”.
More to come
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